This post brought to you by the letter R

Today we had a few people from the Best Buddies program come and talk to us about a campaign called “Spread the Word to End the Word.” Basically they’re campaigning to stop usage of the word “retarded” because it’s offensive to those with developmental disabilities.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I fricking love the message they’re trying to spread. But you guys know the drill by now. It’s not the message they’re getting across, but how they’re conveying it. (RCTV, take note.)

When we were dragged down to the lecture hall arrived for the presentation, they had the song “Let’s Get It Started” by the Black Eyed Peas. I actually kinda like that song. Although I had no idea it was originally called “Let’s Get Retarded”. You learn something new every day.

Whenever we’re dragged down to an assembly and they have a popular song playing, that always comes across as a desperate attempt to come off as cool. Kind of like taping ice cubes to your body.

And then there was her. By “her” I am referring, of course, to the slightly insane bleached-hair woman dressed in all white with a British accent. She got everyone settled down, which took a shorter amount of time than it takes for Edward to eat rice, because this woman knows how to PROJECT. She makes Mr. Colgan sound like a mouse fart in comparison.

So then all the good folks from Oakton gave their talk about how using the “R-word” is offensive, and how we should avoid using it, and pledging to never say it again, and blah blah blah, inspiration inspiration, et cetera. Nothing against them, but they could learn a thing or two from Ben Mikaelsen. Like they had actual printed sheets of paper to tell them what to say. And they STILL messed up.

It would actually be relatively good… if Slightly Insane Bleached-Hair Woman Dressed In All White With A British Accent didn’t pipe in with her opinion every five seconds.

Oakton people: And so this is why you should stop using the R-word- it’s offensive to those with developmental-

Slightly Insane Bleached-Hair Woman Dressed In All White With A British Accent: YES!

OP: It’s offensive to those-

SIB-HWDIAWWABA: Go on!

OP: It-

SIB-HWDIAWWABA: [in her projecting voice] YOU SHOULD ALL BE LISTENING TO THIS THIS IS GOOD INFORMATION!

OP: ಠ_ಠ

Then they showed us the video. They made a cutesy little Windows Movie Maker video about why we shouldn’t use the word (because apparently we had forgotten within approximately two and a half minutes), as well as a slideshow of a bunch of happy photos of them smiling with the Best Buddies people.

It would’ve been pretty good for Windows Movie Maker, if they hadn’t used the worst font ever since Comic Sans.

So then they made us all sign a giant banner pledging to never use the R-word, which I gladly did. If you didn’t, shame on you. But I do think the banner was kind of a waste of paper, considering it’ll probably be in the recycle bin within two weeks. Are they gonna keep it just in case one of us accidentally lets it slip?

Lawyer: May the jury direct their attention to Exhibit A- a banner with Edward’s name on it proving he pledged to never use the R-word again- but then did.

Jury: We find the defendant guilty of three counts of using the R-word.

Judge: I sentence you to perform an informational skit live on RCTV.

And then there’s the motto. “The new R-word is RESPECT!”

Does that imply that it’s one of those replacement words? You could call someone a respect when they tripped in the hall or something. And imagine what it would do to the BEP song:

♫ Let’s get respected in ha ♫
♫ Let’s get respected in here ♫

Actually, that wouldn’t be a bad song for Edward to sing on RCTV.

TJ Reactions

The day TJ letters come out can be an emotional time…

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS BEING REJECTED:

HOW I FEEL:

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS:

HOW I FEEL:

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS:

HOW I FEEL:

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS:

HOW I FEEL:

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS:

HOW I FEEL:

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS:

HOW I FEEL:

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS:

HOW I FEEL:

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS:

HOW I FEEL:

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS:

HOW I FEEL:

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS:

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HOW I FEEL:

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS:

HOW I FEEL:

HOW THE AVERAGE ASIAN FEELS:

HOW I FEEL:

Oh, and this is me when you start the sob stories:

[most of these from pleated-jeans.com.]

Teacher Report Cards- Quarter 4

Unfortunately, Spring Break is almost over and the fourth quarter will begin soon.

Time for another Teacher Report Card!

The Wait(list)

I got my TJ letter today. I’m waitlisted.

For those of you clueless people here, TJ chooses all the Asians who they consider worthy, but some of those Asians drop out and probably force their parents to undergo quadruple bypass surgery. As a result, a few slots are opened up, so TJ chooses a waitlist of 50 people who are worthy but not really to fill those spots. And that’s me.

So this is what the TJ gods think of me. A waitlist is the nice way of saying “You suck, but we’ll consider admitting you to balance out the geniuses.” Nice to know.

You guys should know by now how I feel about TJ. Click through if you’re feeling nostalgic.

Like I said, there are only 50 waitlisted people out of the 10 kajillion Asians that tried out. Everyone else either got admitted or rejected.

The people who got admitted were probably like “Oh. Whoopee.” and then went back to programming an entire computer in binary.

But the people that didn’t? Hoboy. Probably half of them genuinely wanted to get in and genuinely felt that was the only possible route through life. If you’re one of those people, seriously. Get a damn life. You won’t die, you won’t lose any major organs, and chances are you’ll still be successful in life. So don’t freak out and instead be happy that you (hopefully) did your best and that you’ll actually have some free time in high school.

The other half of them probably tried out for the same reason I did- parental pressure. These are the kids that either don’t give a flying poo or do not want to go to TJ with all their might. (I count myself somewhere in the middle.) So these kids just shrug it off and go back to being happy, productive, normal middle schoolers. If only I could say the same about their parents.

I can see it now. The TJ phone lines are clogged up because there are so many angry Indians dialing the 1-800 number. When, after the amount of time that it takes for Mrs. Terry to quiet the cafeteria down, someone actually connects to a TJ rep, this is the conversation that goes down:

TJ rep: TJ Admissions, how may I help you?

Angry parent: [read this in the most racist, stereotypical Indian accent you can imagine for added hilarity] WHY HAS MY AMAZING AND WONDROUS CHILD NOT BEEN ADMITTED TO TJ? HE HAS AN ENORMOUS BRAIN AND HIS POTENTIAL SHOULD NOT GO UNCULTIVATED.

TJ rep: I’m sorry, sir, but we are not allowed to disclose any details regarding an applicant’s scores.

Angry parent: [are you doing the Indian accent thing? just checking] ARE YOU RETARDED? MY SON IS SOLVING ADVANCED MATHEMATICS AND PHYSICS PROBLEMS THAT HAVE BAFFLED THE WORLD’S TOP INTELLECTUALS FOR YEARS IN HIS SPARE TIME. HE HAS A 4.5 TRILLION GPA AND YOU ARE STILL NOT ADMITTING HIM? THIS IS A LAWSUIT!

And then three weeks later in court the jury can’t make a ruling because they’re too busy laughing their asses off.

I say that TJ should set up one of those automated phone thingies where you dial the number and then you get a message from the Cheery Phone Lady.

“For TJ admissions, press 1.”

“For everything else, press 2.”

“Para español, abre el numero tres.”

When you press 1, you’re forced to listen to some hold music by Mariah Carey.

Here, play this to set the mood.

Every so often you’re given a break from the music to listen to the Cheery Phone Lady tell you that Your Call Is Important and We Appreciate Your Patience while we wait for the lines to clear up. Except there is no line. It should just be that recording and nothing else. Just to see how pissed the parents are.

But even worse are the parents who choose to take their anger out not on the TJ people, but their kid. They yell. They scream. They scold. It might even get physical. (shudder)

Now don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of parents who are totally cool about it, who just shrug it off and get on with their lives. But if you’re a parent who takes their anger out on their kid over TJ, hoboy. Do I have some choice words for you. Unfortunately, I can’t write them here, lest Mr. Shah get all over me again. But seriously, get a damn life. Your kid (hopefully) tried his/her best, and that’s all you’re gonna get. If your kid truly deserved to get in, life is a douchebag sometimes. If your kid wasn’t good enough, then life is still a douchebag, but still don’t get all over him/her. Just appreciate what you have. Your kid won’t die, he/she won’t lose any major organs, and chances are he/she will become a successful adult. What more can you ask for?

And meanwhile, here I sit, on the waitlist. On that fine line between admittance and rejection. So it’s just waiting, and waiting, and more waiting.

And that goes double for the people who actually want to get in.

RCMS Administration Acquires Over8d!

We have some exciting news for all of you: we’ve just inked a deal with the RCMS administration! The new partnership will allow us to expand our community and reach a larger, more diverse range of readers.

The blog will continue to run as usual, and I will stay on as the lead blogger. However, there will be a few key changes from here on out:

• This site may not use any cuss words.
• This site may not use any racial stereotypes.
• This site must comply with SOPA and PIPA.
• The site’s new header must include a picture of Mr. Frattali’s head, as well as our motto and the three R’s.
• We must delete all posts that do not promote a safe, healthy, positive, and educational message about school. In reality, this means we must delete 95% of our blog, but rest assured that we look forward to bringing our readers fresh, new, school-appropriate material.
• To promote a fun and welcoming environment, we will include a Fun Fact of the Day, This Day in History, Corny Joke of the Day, and School Tip of the Day after each post.
• We will also debut a new Winner Feature every time someone wins a math award. Thes e posts will include an interview and a photoshoot.
• We have another new feature known as “Guess our Guest,” in which you can guess our guest from fun clues given by our Guessing Guru, and then at the end of the week our guest can post about whatever he/she wants.
• In order to associate better with our less academically advanced students, we will be required to make at least ten spelling and grammar errors per post.
• The entire crew must appear on RCTV at least once a month to provide the school community with an informational skit on the benefits of being Safe and Drug Free.
• We must also dress up as fresh garden vegetables and perform an original song and dance promoting a healthy lifestyle in front of the entire cafeteria.

Well, that’s about it… except for one thing. APRIL FREAKING FOOLS! 

Did you fall for it? Even for a second?

…yeah, probably not.

March Friday Checklist

Let’s finish the month off with another Friday Checklist!

• Sky
  • She is wearing jeans.
  • She is also wearing either slippers or sneakers.
  • The classroom procedure will be to check homework, stamp homework, make announcements, do the lesson, have homework time, and leave.
• Buchholz
  • He will say “If ya don’t have permission to talk, ya don’t have permission to talk.”
  • He will walk up to someone because he couldn’t hear what they said.
• Adams
  • She says “Belly up.”
• Clifford
  • She uses a PowerPoint animation.
  • She uses hand gestures like Cheryl does.
• Wright
  • He has a Starbucks coffee or a can of Coke on his desk.
• Fratalli
  • He is wearing a blue shirt.
• Dombro
  • She is wearing jeans.
• Hanna
  • She is also wearing jeans.
  • She uses even more hand gestures than Cheryl, even though that technically isn’t possible.
• Balderston
  • She will tell someone to take a time out.
  • She will pretend to not laugh at a joke.
• Bogert
  • He will catch someone fall asleep.
  • He will have the same procedure as Mrs. Sky.
  • He will give a deep sigh.
• Shah
  • He is wearing a plaid shirt or a sweater.
  • He has a large plastic cup of Starbucks iced green tea with a green straw.
• Roach
  • He is wearing either a polo shirt or one of his Carson t-shirts.

FINAL SCORE: 16/21

GRADE: F—

Meanwhile, outside Mr. Roach’s room…

I was strolling down B Pod one day and awkwardly saying hello to all my teachers from last year when I stumbled upon this:

[note: go down to B pod downstairs and see for yourself.]

P.S. Betting on March Madness is lame. Try betting on teachers:

Let me know who you think is gonna win in the comments! All of the teachers’ tournament diagram things are up on the wall. I place my support behind Mr. Shah because he’ll be reading this he’s one of our loyal readers.