OVER8D: Braces

Now, I’m constantly bugging Ilia to keep the blog content school-related. (Ilia, if you’re reading this…) My point is, I feel kinda bad blogging about my experiences getting braces, which has absolutely nothing to do with school. But you know what? I DON’T GIVE A CRAP. Enjoy.

First was the spacers. They put these little dinky rubber bands between your back teeth. It’s supposed to move your teeth apart a little. When they put them on you feel like a goddamn elephant is sitting right on your tooth. That’s how much pressure it is. But then the real fun starts. When you go to chew those rubber bands dig into your gums and make your life pure hell. You have to keep them there until you get your actual braces, which for me was about two weeks.

I got my braces on Saturday. Don’t ask why it took me this long to get this post out (hint: homework). The first thing they make you do is brush. That’s right: Brush your teeth, even though you’ve brushed them for the last fifteen minutes at home in an attempt to trick your dentist into thinking you brush as often as you’re supposed to. How depressing.

Then they make these molds of your teeth for “the lab”. They do this by making this goop from a powder. You can add some flavoring liquid if you want. I chose mint, although the blueberry didn’t sound bad either. It’s like mint chocolate chip ice cream, except without the milk, the cream, the chocolate chips, and the sodium ethyl para-hydroxybenzonate butylhydroquinone. So it was just mint, mint, and more mint, and GOD DAMNIT IF IT DIDN’T TASTE GOOD. If Juan Ponce de Leon found the Fountain of Youth, it would be spewing out this stuff. They shove the goop into your teeth and let them sit there for one minute, although I would have gladly let it sit there for the rest of my life.

Then comes the part where they actual braces on.

They make you wear this big red plastic thingy that stretches your lips out and makes you look like a dumbass. It’s supposed to make it easier for the dentist to access your teeth, but I think its real purpose is so that the dentists can laugh at you.

First they yank the rubber band spacers out. Then they add these metal rings on your back teeth (that’s what the spacers were for), and for that they use this blue dental adhesive that tastes like metal. Yuck. I asked my dentist to put on some of that awesome mint stuff, but she said it wouldn’t stick if she did, so what choice did I have? I say that when they mix up the adhesive instead of water they use mint liquid. Or maybe that’s just me.

Then they put on the braces. They use this suction thing to suck up all your saliva, which dries out your mouth and makes it feel horrible. They apply more nasty dental adhesive to your teeth, and then they put the braces on. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t hurt one bit. It’s just your dentist placing little metal thingimajiggerwhatchamacallits in your mouth. If your’e getting braces anytime soon, you can take my word for this, because I’m under the Official Over8d Vow of About Ninety Nine Point Nine Nine Nine Honesty.

So your braces are on, and then the head dentist comes along and plays with them and mildly amuses himself, so that your teeth align properly. Then they put in the wire. This wire puts pressure on your teeth and pulls them into place. Once that’s done, you can put in some color bands. They don’t do anything, they just look pretty. I chose a nice shade of blue.

Fast forward to now. Now, I’ve heard reports of unimaginable pain immediately after application, but I didn’t feel anything at all. I consider myself lucky. The wires feel a little bit weird, but it’s nothing I won’t get used to. The only problem is that every time I eat I’m left with about half of my food stuck on my braces. So I have to slush water in my mouth approximately once every five minutes. Yuck.

All in all, I’d say it’s not a bad way to straighten teeth, although I do understand that chickens leave all the chewing to their stomach.

Comment Question: What would you do with the mint liquid stuff?